I am trying...

I have been having such a hard time making myself sit down and write on this blog.

I don't know if it's the fact that it's summer, that Cajun Boy needs less and less sleep everyday {or so it seems}, or that Cajun Man has changed jobs - moving back into active Law Enforcement, but I just am not involved in computer time anymore.

So........here's to trying.

I keep thinking, what made me stop?

Then I remember. Everyone around me started dying - or so it feels like.

Spring is for renewal and new growth...NOT for death.

Two teenagers turned into a motorcycle and the man on the bike {a much loved EMT} was killed. A super-involved young family of four in my little community were killed in a small-engine plane crash. My Uncle Elvis. That was my blogging breaking point.

I remember getting the phone call after running cookies to a friend who was leaving for her cousin's funeral the next morning. I had forgotten my phone at home and by the time I found it, my mom had called Cajun Man. Even though she told me he was gone, I kept waiting for her to say it would be okay because this family has had so many ups and downs lately and it's always okay. But it wasn't and because my Aunt seems most like my Mom and Uncle Elvis seems most like my Dad and their kids line up with our kids, it's made me think way too much for my own good.

The kids in my family all came together and there is nothing like the five of us all together. There just isn't. I never feel stronger than when I'm surrounded by my family....but feeling that way while my cousin's world tilted just felt so incredibly wrong. So, while listening to Taps play watching those in uniform fold that flag it all just hit so close to home and reminded me that my parents aren't immortal and there will never be enough time with them. That my family is growing older and I won't be surrounded with the ones that are my foundation in so many ways.

How do you say the right thing? How do you do the right thing? You don't. You can't. There is no right.

Instead you bumble with the words everyone says and you look for something you can do to let them know that you love them and YOU PRAY harder than ever. You pray and you pray and you pray that life will get easier and hearts will heal a little at a time and the ache will ease and you know that they are not alone and the Heavenly Father that knows you so well, knows them even better and can work miracles in the broken feelings that death can bring.

So, why write this now? Tonight, I sat at the computer and looked at my cousin's blog and I saw a maturity and perspective that leaves me in awe and I realized that life has to go on {and it has} and it's time to start documenting it again - mostly because I miss the miracles that happen when I don't take the time to see them.

So, while I haven't been frozen in grief this realization that we are all so very human left me not wanting to deal with more than the day to day and it's time to move passed that.

So here's to trying.