My 2012 Challenge

Someone today asked me if I was ever going to write about my goal for this year.

{Thanks to those few loyal readers - I'm always up for new directions of conversation}

When last year was drawing to a close, I realized that I had been stalled out since I sprained my ankle last April.  Then, I completely stopped in August when I was stuck on the couch with my broken leg in the air.  Everything seemed out of sync after that.  Nothing was caught up, the house felt like it was always a wreck, I received more church callings, and life was crazy.  In the meantime, my leg and ankle never healed quite the same and I felt stagnant.

stagnant

 [stag-nuhnt]

stag·nant

 adjective
Origin: 
1660–70;  < Latin stāgnant-  (stem of stāgnāns ), present participleof stāgnāre  to stagnate; see -ant

1.

not flowing or running, as water, air, etc.

2.

stale or foul from standing, as a pool of water.

3.

characterized by lack of development, advancement, orprogressive movement: a stagnant economy.

4.

inactive, sluggish, or dull.

Related forms

stag·nan·cy, stag·nance, noun

stag·nant·ly, adverb

un·stag·nant, adjective

un·stag·nant·ly, adverb

Synonyms 

4.  dormant, lifeless, dead, inert, lazy. 

I was stuck.  I had tried to make a few changes here and there, but lacked the motivation to get started and the determination to see it through.  Soon, August turned into September into October into November and my brothers and sister came home for Thanksgiving and the annual Hunter Family Deer Hunt.  I was shocked to see my sister's face when she saw me.


It was official....I had turned into someone that she didn't recognize.  That scared me.


So, she went home and Cajun Man and I sat down and talked.


We made a few decisions.  
We were both going to do the Ideal Protein Program that my brother's clinic offers.

We were going to make our house into our home.

I made a few more decisions.
I know that for most of my life the idea of failure paralyzed me.  I still remember when I realized how crippling it had become - it was finals week and one of my classes really intimidated me.  I had stayed up all night studying because I was so nervous and by morning I had worked myself into a tizzy.  I was almost hyperventilating over one test.  I called a friend to talk some sense into me and she couldn't believe I would get that worried.  It had never occurred to me that other people didn't get that worked up over not meeting their own expectations.

As I re-evaluated 2011, I realized that I let a lot of things go because I was worried about not succeeding at what I tried.  I never wanted to be the woman who stood to the side, not because she was afraid to try something new, but because she was afraid when she did it wouldn't be be "right."  Ridiculous, right?

So from those moments came the 2012 Challenge - Do Something Every Day That Scares You.

I had a few ground rules.

• Every day didn't have to be something different.  Some days, losing weight and trying to eat healthily is enough. Why does that scare me, you ask?  What if I don't do it right?  What if I prove I have no self-discipline?  What if I can't find foods that are good for us AND that my family will eat?  What if I can't ever lose the weight?
• Holidays meant doing something special - even if it's Arbor Day.
• Birthdays are big this year.  What if this was the last year of birthdays we had with someone?
• This house is our house.  Not our landlords.  Not my grandparents.  It's ours - DO something.
• If it's not perfect, it's okay.  I did more today than I did yesterday.
• I don't have to take pictures or post pictures of things that bother me.  This isn't for anybody else.  This is for me.  I'm doing it - not to prove something to you or the internet or to get pinned on Pinterest.  I'm doing it because it will make me happier and a better person.
• I was going to be honest about this challenge and deal with the feelings and emotions that come with overcoming fear.  Failure may not scare you, but to me it's a true fear that leaves me breathless.
• I know that I'm not a head case and I'm not gonna let your comments affect me {unless their nice and then I'll be happy to let them affect me!}.

What have I done in the last two and a half months?

• I've lost 50 pounds so far.
• I've made my son three t'shirts - a Valentine's Day shirt a Basketball shirt, & a Birthday shirt.
• I learned to work with fondant.
• I made my son's birthday cake - this was a huge goal for me!
• I learned how to decorate sugar cookies.
• I made a plan to make CB a big boy room and went for it.  I can almost say it's done.
• I learned to caulk.
• I painted a room by myself.
• I got CB to sleep in his big boy bed.
• I loaded and used actions for Photoshop.
• I've done Primary/Sharing Time all by myself.
• I've helped the missionaries teach a complete stranger.
• I've worked harder to develop a relationship with my father-in-law.  We have always had a good relationship, but I want great memories of our times with him.

For some of you- I'm sure you're rolling your eyes.  For some people this list probably seems silly.  For my friends that have known me for years, you know what a huge thing this is for me! For me, they are accomplishments and ways to make myself and my family happier and stronger.  

How was your 2011?  What are you going to change in 2012?

Meet you there!

The Place Where my Cynical Side Comes to Light...

I wrote this post quite awhile ago, but recently have received a lot of questions about why I write so bluntly on my blog.  I have never published this post.  I thought now might be the time.

______________________________________________

I woke up today with a friend on my mind. She's had more than a few challenges in her life - especially in the last little while and I haven't been able to shake the feeling that even though I want to be that friend for her, right now I am not meant to be.

I have never been accused of being a fair weather friend, but this relationship has left me with a bad taste in my mouth because that's how I feel and I'm not sure why. I gave her a call today to just check in and our conversation went in a completely different direction than I was expecting. An emotional and thoughtful road that I think I've been needing to wander along until I work my way through. Who knows if this post will ever be posted.

We talked today about balancing being relatable and authentic in how we feel and what's going on in our lives and finding that positive spin and living with a Christlike hope....or at least that's how I walked away with our conversation.

When I was married, I received a piece of very wise advice - I've probably written it here before. I was told, "During the courtship process, keep your eyes wide open and look on your significant other using the brightest spotlight - even trying not to blink! Once you are married, squint those same eyes as close to being closed as you can staring across a candlelit room."

And that's what we did. In fact, we had been so warned about expectations that one night I sat down and wrote down every expectation that I had of my hubby and wrote the absolute worst thing that could happen if he didn't live up to that expectation and then shredded it. My way of working through it. You know what? It worked. We had two blissfully easy years - maybe close to three. Sure, we fought, but no one expected anything outrageous and we had fun.

Then we had a baby.

That baby sent me {I'm only speaking for myself} into a tailspin.

I had been told my entire life that I was made to do this job.

People around me spoke to me of how natural I was with children.

The doctor even told me how in stride I had taken everything during my pregnancy.

Then it all went to hell in a handbasket.

My labor and delivery was far from ideal. My baby couldn't eat for days.

He slept for fifteen minutes at a time. He wouldn't take a pacifier.

My milk production dropped drastically because I wasn't eating.

NOTHING came naturally - and I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Everything we tried to do for our little boy seemed to make it worse.

He became ill with pneumonia and RSV.

We found two congenital heart defects.

....and the list goes on and on.

The only thought I had in my mind over and over again was, "They ALL lied!"

I decided then and there that I would be completely real in what I said on my blog and in my facebook status updates. I was not going to perpetuate the myth that this was easy or fun or wonderful - because HONESTLY it wasn't.

Not that it wasn't worth it. Not that I would trade it for anything.

I wouldn't. I want to get that completely straight. I WOULDN'T!

So, if you asked me how I felt or what was going on - I told you without censor.

I had all sorts of expectations of that sweet baby.

I had all sorts of expectations of my dutiful hubby.

I had HUGE, HUGE expectations of myself and it was painful.

Who lives up to all of those expectations?

We didn't.

Then one day at the grocery store, I was stopped with that beautiful little boy in my cart talking to a couple of other moms when one came around the corner and entered the conversation.

She immediately called me out and I still remember the look on her face when she said,

"You really just don't like being a mom, do you? 'Cause it sure doesn't sound like it."

As she stood there with her freshly washed hair, made-up face and her seemingly perfect little girl and little boy watching expectantly for my answer - I shrunk, completely cold inside.

I tried to answer with grace. I had finally started to find my way with that little boy and was feeling more confident in my role and with those two sentences my entire fragile self-esteem plummeted. I know the look on my face didn't reflect grace as I babbled along.

For a little less than two years, that statement has haunted me.

As I think of the first year of our son's life, I can think and remember good things, but I have to try hard.  I want my children to know that it wasn't easy.  I want them to know that some days people hurt you or things don't go well.  I want them to know that you can have a long, hard day and NEVER want to repeat it and it's okay to talk about it - as long as you get up the next day and move on.

Tonight, I move on.

Happy Birthday, Cajun Boy!

Three years ago, about this time, I was wide awake.
My contractions were seven minutes apart and I was watching a House Marathon on TNT.

I was scared out of my mind and had no idea how I was going to turn that basketball of a belly into a gangly little baby boy.

I was scared that it might just be a little boy, and really - as a girl, my knowledge base on that one felt very limited.

Who understands boys anyway?
CB in his V'Day shirt that I made him.

I prayed and I prayed hard that I would have the strength to do what seemed impossible suddenly.

Little did I understand how a Momma's strength works.

Now I do - at least in my limited view.

This Momma's strength multiplies because her heart would rip in two if she couldn't do what she needed for her little boy {I'm sure it's the same for your girls, but like I said earlier - limited knowledge base}.

So she just does.  Because, really, isn't that what being a Momma is all about.

Cajun Boy's Birthday Shirt - appliqué & heat transfer vinyl

Doing your best to do what's best?
Happy Birthday, Cajun Boy!  We can't imagine a lifetime without you in it!

We love you!

That's it....I'm now Anti-Valentine's Day

Last year, Valentine's Day sucked...I was sick, but Cajun Boy went on a date with Grandma and Cajun Man and I sat in opposite corners of the couch {I really didn't want him to get sick} and watched a movie and ate Chinese Food.

So, this year, I took extra measures.  Cajun Boy asked Grandma Cajun on a date early in the month.  I made him a special t'shirt, we wrote on Valentine's and delivered them to a few people, went to Story Time at the Library, visited Grandma Hunter on the bus AND Grandpa Hunter where he was working with his backhoe, and picked up some beautiful steaks for Cajun Man to grill outside.

Then Cajun Boy fell asleep.

We couldn't wake him up for the life of us.  Finally when Cajun Man asked what we were going to do in a voice that edged into frustrated, CB woke up and screamed and cried and refused to go anywhere without Momma.

So, CM and I went on a date with CB and Grandma Cajun.  We went to a place where nothing even sounded good, so we didn't eat.  Then we dropped CB and GC at her house when I was finally released to do as I will.

We came home and made eggs and CM went to bed {he's has to be up at 4 something in the morning} and I went to get CB.

The best laid plans and all that...

So I opened up some blogs and an oldie, but a goodie came on and reminded me of my marriage lately.

This stage in our life seems like sometimes we miss each other coming and going.  I've watched other couples go through it and I understand it.  I watched my parents do it for years.  

Honey, even on the worst of Valentine Days, I love you more than I can express.  When we get too busy to find a present or card that makes sense with us, it's still okay.  Even when our son seems sick and the temple trip we so carefully planned seems a hope rather than an eventuality, it's okay.

Even the best fall down sometimes 

{but we know how to help each other up - or cater to the one that's couch bound for weeks with a broken leg}

Even the stars refuse to shine

{good thing you're always prepared with that flashlight on the nights that are just too dark}

Out of the back you fall in time

{we make a good little family, even when CB sometimes would rather be Momma's Boy}

I somehow find...you and I collide

Maybe not the most romantic song, but surely fitting at this point in our lives.

I love you, Babe.  I couldn't do this without you and would never want to do it with anyone, but you.

Someone in our small town asked me today if I enjoy being a Mom.  She reads my blog and has noticed that there haven't been a lot of upbeat and fun posts lately.  I think she might think I'm depressed.

Just for the record, I'm not.

She followed up the first question by asking if I enjoy Cajun Boy at all.

So I want to clarify.  Not in a defensive way.  Just in a "just the facts, ma'am" sort of way.

I love my son and my husband.  I love this incredible calling {yes, I said calling - not job}.

Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work.  And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.

Doctrine & Covenants 64:33

There is nothing like the short moments of snuggling CB in between basketball scrimmages with invisible opponents.

"There is nothing like having conversations as we're snuggled into bed together - just so he can stall quiet slumber for "one more minutes."

I love trying to teach him how more complicated puzzles work.

I treasure when he sits right beside me on the couch and quietly asks for his beloved "Baskball Movie."

I love this calling, but in a way that grows and changes as he keeps growing and changing.

That's hard for me.

I don't love change.  That's okay.  I don't have to.

I do have to learn and adapt as he throws curveballs everyday and sometimes every hour.

My favorite thing right now?

He's old enough and will listen just enough to do some fun stuff.

Don't mind the messy kitchen and the cereal boxes - they're for a craft!

Like cut out every single heart sugar cookie for some 6 dozen cookies.

Like grab a placemat and sling it over his shoulder to match my dishtowel.

Like snuggle in to read his new Thomas magazine or The Friend with me.

Or sing the local high school's fight song.  Go Big Blue!

Do I enjoy being a Mom?  Do I enjoy Cajun Boy at all?

Yes, I do.  A million different ways every day.
{Some days those moments just last longer than others!}

On Edge....

I've noticed lately that our little home is on the edge of frustration.  Cajun Man and I because so much that is surrounding us right now is out of our control and DANG IT that is so not fair to two OCD control freaks.  Cajun Boy because, well, at almost 3 you just don't get to make a ton of decisions and have a lot of control.

One of the things that makes CB happy lately is to play on the "iFod."  I've let him because mostly he gets on my YouTube playlists and watches school buses and "Poppa Tractors" or does his matching games.  Until tonight.

Isn't that always the way it is.  I probably would have handled it better, but it was after two huge water messes, getting into an entire bag of treats and telling me to kiss his butt {thanks to a kid at the basketball game tonight}.  Yeah, you could say I didn't take it well.

Have you ever had a two year old tell you to, "Tiss my butt" ?

You probably wouldn't have, either.  I don't know - maybe you would have laughed.

I didn't laugh.

As I started the process of reverting my iPod back to factory settings and then re organizing it the way I had it, I suddenly realized that YouTube didn't work anymore and wouldn't let me sign in.  They've changed things since I set it up last time.

Well, it has been three years.

Two hours, customer service calls, FAQ webpages and four changed passwords later I had everything reloaded and reset and it still wouldn't work.  At that point CB was begging to go to bed, but crying because he couldn't watch his "Poppa Tractor" videos.  I put him to bed more than annoyed and I wasn't good at hiding my emotions.

He fell asleep two minutes later watching his Children's Songbook Sing Along App.
{Don't judge me.  I know our parents did it without technology, but thank all that is good and holy, I don't have to.  Plus, he's learning church songs that calm him down as he slides into sleep.}

I came back out and got on the computer and had it fixed two text messages later.

Suddenly, iTunes popped up and then CM and my song came on.  Then another song and another song and I didn't shut it off like I normally do.  Instead I listened and let the music calm my frustration and realized....
I owe my two year old an apology.  AND I owe myself a lock code on the "iFod."

Parenting - it's not for the faint of hearts....or those too arrogant to humble themselves to their children.

Yeah.  No one warned me about the second one.

One of THOSE Days...

Today was a rough day with our little man.  He has such a strong sense of self and an urgency to get done exactly what he thinks should get done exactly the way he sees it getting done.  It's gotta be revenge on Cajun Man because I was the *perfect* child.

Somedays we all clash and on Daddy's day off.  Man, that sucks.

But tonight, I gathered him close and held him tight and whispered in his ear....

"You are my best boy. You are my sweetest boy. You are my smartest boy. You are amazing."

And in that moment, I realized yet again.  I am so very blessed.